so i overestimated my ability to control the situation...and i underestimated the amount of people who will be hurt. 

i have so much work to do with all the moving and camps and Mississippi...where do i start.

go with what feels good...go with what i think is right...go with what i want?

i am so hurt.

i am so lost.

i can't figure out what God is saying.

i am waiting.  i am listening.  i am reading...what am i missing?

so last tuesday was good.  our day together was wonderful (i am trying yo use the word wonderful a lot more because of the book Letters to Karen, Waa knows what i am talking about) he took me to diner and then to Elmbrook.  he meet both of my parents and then later told me he wanted to meet Brad.  so i don't know what that means.  i think he fould a place he likes.  it is less then 10 min from my house so that is nice.  he said my hair was beautiful and then played with it for a bit.  then that night he came to church looking for me, and i wasn't there.  the first time i skip and i get a vistor...bummer, but maybe in the long run it will be good.  HE LAUGHED!  he jokes!  he left but will be back in like a week.  which is good, cuz i miss him already.  i don't have a clue what we are doing, all i know is that i want to call him 'sweets.'  but that name is saved.

i finished the book "do you think i am Beautiful" every girl should read that.  it is amazing, and i hate books.  now i have to read "the life you have always wanted" that is for school, not by choise. 

i ordered a Bible online, which is scary cuz i really just like looking at them, and flipping through them first...so know i have two weeks to figure out what this one looks like, and by that time i already baught it. 

so i have been thinking a lot latley about what makes a good friend.  and it is kind of funny cuz you would think that Christians would be great friends.  selfless, caring, others first, same passion for God...but not in my life.  most of my Christians friends don't know how to be friends (not implying i have it all together either) but i have one, non-christian friend, and she is always there for me.  even when she is busy, she drops everything when i need heer.  she we have different veiws, she is 100% oppisite of me...but we work together great.  what are christians doing wrong in the whole friend aspect?

ok, so i am on campus right now.  which wouldn't be so bad if i wasn't by myself.  i made plans with someone, but they canceled which...to me is one of the worst things to do.  i am a huge fan on keeping your word.  but that is another issue.  so i thought i would write down 20 intrusting things i discover while driving today about myself.  i am not being self centered right now i just thought they were kind of funny.  so i hope you enjoy them as well.

1. 1. i hate silence.  i will live with it, and in times it is good, but for the most part i would rather talk to myself so it isn't silence.
2. I like people, but i am so scared of them, and they tick me off.
3. i am really excited about having my own bathroom next year.
4. i have to learn how to spell, cuz it is hurting me in school.
5. i like AC a lot!
6. why can't i febreez my dog, he smells like a dog.
7. brown eyes can get you anything.  but you have to use the power for good, or else you lose all charm.
8. i think cops are all jerks.
9. i love first aid kits, and i got to use one of mine today.  it was really cool, except not the cut.
10. i don't understand guys.
11. i really want to paint right now.
12. i am really scared to go to camp, i don't do good there, and i am not good with kids around my age. 
13. the only place i am really myself is Elmbrook.
14. i can't wait to see him,  i wonder what i will do, what he will do, i wonder if he missed me.
15. Dr. pepper is so my favorite pop.
16. how does the trinity work, there is no way 3 ever equals 1!
17. i really like lightbulbs, i don't know why, but they are so fascinating.
18. a ministry without compassion is just a business.
19. i don't know how am i suppose to influence others.
20. i am really looking forward to hanging out with lisa in 90 min!

so that is all i have to say.  wish me luck at camp. 

all my love and apartments.

so it has been a filled summer.  i was planning on being as lazy as possiable, and having no responsibility whatsoever, but things are changing on that plan. 

i sit in my room right now, looking at all the memories that fill my walls and shelves and find sadness in everone of them.  why i am not quite sure.  maybe there were of times when life was just more fun, less important and crusial as now. 

as i was cleaning my room i found a bunch of letters people have sent me.  oh man were some of them sweet.  including one where a mom wants me to marry her son...but i discovered that i look good on paper...but when it comes to me as the person...i don't score as high.  i have to work on that. 

i know what i want out of life.  i know what i want!  i just don't know how to get it.  now what am i suppose to do?

maybe i will go to bed, dream my life was...something...something cool, maybe like 'superman' or something.